Jacob’s pursuit for a wife in Gen 28–29 is instructive for those Christian singles lawfully seeking a spouse to be married to. You can rid most worldly advice such as ‘finding the one,’ etc.
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In providence look for:

1. A Christian Spouse

Then Isaac called Jacob and blessed him and directed him, “You must not take a wife from the Canaanite women. (Gen 28:1)

Jacob was not to marry the cursed Canaanites but was instructed to marry within his close biological family (who were also pagans but perhaps not as bad). From a budding principle in these early chapters of Genesis come later commands such as Dt 7:3 and 1 Cor 7, which succinctly instructs us to ‘marry in the Lord.’

Resolve before the test of circumstances to marry in the Lord. Automatically dismiss any potential non-Christian candidate. Christian marriage is hard enough. Marrying an unbeliever will only add continual strain upon your marriage (and you’ll break God’s law).  

Further, there are also two types of marriages (the latter a reaction against the former): marriages of the head and of the heart. Rachel encourages us to seek both.

1. A Marriage of the Head

Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. (Gen 29:9b)

Prospective spouses ought not only pass the heart test but the head. Some pragmatic questions will help us partner with the best possible spouse:

• Do they have any glaringly obvious character faults?
• Are they humble and teachable?
• Do they have life skills that can benefit the marriage?
• What is their financial or educational status?
• What are their parents like? (We often grow to be like our parents!)
• Would they be a good parent?
• Many other pragmatic factors…

However, it would be calloused to only marry because of the head.

1. A Marriage of the Heart

Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance. (Gen 29:17b)

L’amour! It is not wrong to be physically and relationally attracted to your prospective spouse, what we often call ‘falling in love.’ Internal and external beauty is an enjoyable part of life. It draws us and holds us fast to one another. We should find our spouse attractive and love spending time with them. However, love is not an emotion but an action, a choice (which is why you can grow to love).
Just as it would be cold to only marry because of the head it is foolish to only marry because of the heart (i.e. is it love or lust?).
 
Remember, there is no perfect spouse and you are not perfect, but if you follow these three principles and depend upon God’s grace in marriage you will not go wrong and learn to live a happy and content life. 

When anyone asks me to marry them I will always agree to have at least one meeting, to learn about the couple, see where they are spiritually, get to know one another and see if we (officiant and couple) are a good fit. It’s a no-strings attached informal info session. At the very least it is an opportunity to share of the Christian vision of marriage and most importantly the Gospel. If we decide to proceed the couple commits to biblical premarital counselling.

Sometimes, sadly, because of sin and an unwillingness to do things God’s way on the part of the couple, I, by conscience and conviction, cannot proceed beyond this first conversation. This is of course done respectfully and charitably but must nevertheless be done. For example, I cannot marry same-sex or trans-gendered couples. Adultery, fornication, divorce and remarriage are also things that must be seriously explored. If the couple are not Christians I ask why a Christian marriage and will invest in a couple seriously interested in the ways of the Lord versus those interested in a Christian wedding simply because the Church has a centre aisle. I believe holy matrimony to be a sacred institution and so I am quite comfortable stepping outside of the common lens of seeing it as a form of evangelism (it is primarily an opportunity to disciple and not to evangelize, though in some cases this may be a positive side benefit). As someone who is lawfully allowed to officiate over wedding ceremonies I take the opportunity with all seriousness likening the responsibility to James 3:1, not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.

You may have noticed that I left out one sort of couple, the blended couple, or a Christian seeking to marry a non-Christian. Should a Christian even entertain marrying a non-Christian? Should a Christian officiant preside over a mixed-wedding? Though  some would argue it is a great opportunity to convert the non-believer, a work the Christian spouse can finish up, the classic evangelical response and consensus has been, and still is, “no.” The remainder of this blog will unpack “why.”

The why centres around what the Bible clearly says. This is not an ambiguous area where there is some degree of flexibility, the Scriptures are quite clear on the matter. Let’s build from the less clear to the clear passages:

• During the Patriarchs there seems to be a foreshadowing of marrying like kin in Isaac and Jacob obtaining wives, not from the Canaanites, but from “back home” where Abram and Sarai had come from.
• This becomes an all pervading command, to not marry outside of the faith, when Israel becomes a nation holy to the Lord. This comes up many times. The Law stated (Dt 7:3), Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons. Solomon’s folly to marry foreign woman and how it led to his demise is perhaps the classic example (1 Ki 11). Though inter-marriage may have seemed like a useful tool to build alliances or grow the faith, the opposite is in fact the case, the non-believer has a negative spiritual effect upon the believer.
• Move along to the New Testament and you get two clear verses that build upon this well established OT theme:
  • 2 Cor 6:14, “do not be unequally yoked [or hitch up, crossbred] together with unbelievers.”
    • This verse is directly speaking to believers in the Corinthian church who were rebelling against Paul’s warning not to ally themself with those who professed Christ but denied Him by their unrighteous behaviour or to identify wrongly with unbelievers (see Lev 19:19 and Deut 22:10). However, the principle has various other applications, including marriage. Marriage is a yoking together of the most profound kind within human relationships. We are called to be bound together with someone who is likewise a Temple of the living God (v.16).
  • 1 Cor 7:39, “marry in the Lord.”
    • In this chapter Paul is addressing a number of ethical questions surrounding sex and marriage. Primarily it asks what a Christian spouse, who presumably became a Christian after marriage, should do if the other spouse abandons them because of their new found faith. Paul adds this to adultery as a lawful ground for a divorce. However, in the midst of this reflection, he commands widows to “marry in the Lord,” a reminder of all the clear verses above. Christians are called to only marry fellow Christians.[1] To do otherwise, or to perform the wedding of a mixed-couple, is therefore to be disobedient.

While disobedience can always be forgiven, and God in His mercy gives the unequally yoked more grace as they seek Him in their mixed-marriage, it does still have its consequences. I have never met a Christian who married a non-Christian who afterwards said, “gee, that was the best decision I ever made.” They are always filled with regret. They struggle with:

• A knowledge of their disobedience but their inability to lawfully change their circumstances;
• The folly of their unfounded hope that they could convert their spouse;[2]
• Conflicting values that produce unnecessary tension or conflicts of varying degrees;
• The temptation to abandon the faith (apostacy). Many, many more professing Christians who marry non-Christians become like them vs. maintaining their faith or the unbeliever becoming a Christian.

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was meet with a relative who wanted me to marry them to their unbelieving fiancé and, going through the mentioned first meeting, having to say no. Though I took a lot of initial flak from the family at large I can say with a clear conscience that I have absolutely no regrets. That individual, however, has many regrets and along with believing family members, in hindsight, have conceded the error of going against Scripture. The interesting thing is that I gained more personal respect from the couple by saying no than had I said yes. There is an attractiveness to winsomely principled people.

Whether you are considering marriage for the first time or are in a situation of remarriage, resolve today to be obedient to the Lord and only “marry in the Lord.” This should be the number one criterion you have in finding a spouse.

If you find yourself in a mixed-marriage, confess and ask the Lord to strengthen your faith and save your spouse. Surround yourself with a good church and strong Christian fellowship and may your brothers and sisters in Christ prayerfully support you.

As always, would love to chat if this or any blog generates an biblical or situational questions. These are difficult matters, let us wrestle with them before the Lord and with His help.


[1] If you cannot find a Christian spouse it is better to wait upon the Lord than settle for something less. He will honour your patience. 

[2] Though I have met a select few upon whom the Lord had mercy and the spouse was converted, this shouldn’t fuel disobedience nor foster wishful thinking.

In the midst of a very busy chapter that is Genesis 3 there is a curious verse which reads: 

Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.

What is this verse saying? It could be misread a number of different ways and begs all kinds of questions.

Firstly, it must be understood in its context, which is the Fall of mankind from a state of grace that makes up the entire chapter. If we rewind to the time before the Fall we see a picture of a marriage relationship very different from that of Gen 3:16 (NB: marriage was God’s only intended expression of an intimate relationship between a man and a woman; all other forms fall under the heading “sexual immorality or fornication”). In Gen 2:24 we read the definition of the intended marriage state between one man and one woman. This is the same verse that Jesus, and also Paul, later quote in the New Testament. It reads: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Before sin entered the world a marriage was designed to reflect God’s complementary design which pervades the opening chapter of Genesis, equality in essence (Gen 1:27) but complementarity in roles. The husband has special responsibility for lovingly leading, providing for and protecting his wife. The wife was to be to him a helper. Together they were to form a team. 

Gen 3:16 describes how sin came to affect God’s design for marriage. Since the Fall wives are tempted to be insubordinate and disrespect their husband’s leadership (“desire for your husband”)—in fact they desire that role for themselves,  and the husband is tempted to abuse his leadership for selfish gain (“rule over your”)—or even shirk it. This abuse of our intended roles lies at the heart of most marriage (and pseudo marriage) conflict. Wives seek to usurp a position not rightfully theirs and husbands grossly abuse, or fail to step into the role given them by God. Gen 3:16 lies at the heart of all marriage troubles. How ironic is it that men are actually looking for what society says is beneath women (submission and respect), and women are looking for exactly the opposite of what culture encourages men to be (macho vs. loving, kind and strong). God knows best!

In the New Testament we see pictures of what an ideal, restored, marriage relationship ought to look like. In Ephesians 5:22–33 and  1 Peter 2:13–17 we see words such as “submit” and “obey” used for the wife, while the husband is not to be domineering, but the loving servant leader (the weight in Ephesians at least heavily falls upon the husband and not the wife). In the Bible “submission” and “obedience” are usually put forward as virtues, ways in which we are to honour God’s will and order for His Creation. It is a call for relationships to return to the pre-Fall harmony God intended, and Gospel power to effect that change. Christians are called to submit to Christ, governments, one another, church elders, employers, wives to husbands, etc. Through the Gospel God desires to restore all things to their proper design. Such restorations affirm the glory and power of the Gospel, and adorn it with great beauty.  May the Holy Spirit transform marriage relationships to this great end!
The Lord’s Sweetest Blessings,
Chris